I am an introvert. It's not that I don't love people or want to live as a recluse or anything. I just renew my energy best by being alone. My husband, Matt, is also an introvert and to a greater degree than I. My daughter, Abigail, however, is quite the extrovert. And she is determined to bring the two of us out of our shell.
Abigail loves people. She is constantly asking who people are, introducing herself to them, and then, remarkably for a 3-year old, remembers them.
There are three restaurants that we frequent as a family where Abigail knows the owners. There is a lovely little Italian place by us that she likes to call "Uncle Pat's" where the owner Aaron actually introduced her to his parents one Sunday at lunch. There is a Subway between church and home where the owner, Purvey, always gives Abigail free cookies. When we pass the Subway, Abigail says, "I wonder if Purvey is there."
Then there is a wonderful Mexican restaurant (next to the Subway) where Raul works. Since Abigail was big enough to sit in a high chair, Raul has been rubbing Abigail's head and talking to her. Now, if I go into the restaurant without her, he says, "Where's the little one?" Before Abigail, I would have never had any kind of conversation with Raul. Not because of any racial or ethnic tension, but because of my own introverted personality.
That's what I thought anyway.
So, the other day we driving home from preschool and Abigail says, "Mommy, I want Raul to come over to play with me." Now, my first reaction was not good. I'm thinking there is no way Raul is coming to our house, lady. That is ridiculous. Well, we're in a series at church right now that is based on Mark 12:31 (Love your neighbor as yourself). I found myself analyzing why I didn't ever see that happening and really couldn't figure out why it couldn't....other than the semantics Abigail used that shouldn't be used when grown men and young girls are involved. Of course, I don't know that I'm going to be inviting Raul over any time soon, but I did actually think more about it not being out of the realm of possibility. It might take some time, but maybe I'll learn.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Epiphany...
Thursday of this week I had an epiphany.
I am currently studying Beth Moore's Esther with the girls in our small group. During my study this week, I came across a question that I thought was rather interesting. She asked, "What situation most recently tempted you toward mental torment?" I immediately began thinking of a flood of situations when my mind had been overwhelmed by incredibly negative thoughts in the past month or so. Some of them so often and so dark that I couldn't see past them. I was amazed by my response to this question. Beth Moore went on to say, "Because Satan has a limited leash where believers are concerned, his most powerful tactics are psychological. Though he can't possess our minds, he profoundly and destructively influences our thoughts."
She introduced me to a new level of warfare...the psychological kind.
I know this concept sounds so simple, but I cannot begin to describe the cloud that was lifted from my mind. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says to "take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ." This verse has a new depth of meaning for me now. I have struggled with depression for quite some time. I know that taking thoughts captive will not erase the depression, but the torment, that's a different story. As I began to make a list of the things that I had been thinking lately that I could categorize as "mental torment", the list was unbelievable. So many things on the list were things that I knew not to be true, but for whatever reason, lately I had been finding it hard to call them lies and truly believe that.
I Peter 5:8 says, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." When I reviewed this verse, I began thinking about the word devour. When I looked it up, part of the definition was "to consume destructively, recklessly, or wantonly" (dictionary.com). I think there are so many times that I go throughout my day unaware of the Satan's desire to destructively, recklessly destroy me in whatever way he can. As I looked at the beginning of the verse, I see that I have to be alert enough to recognize his psychological attacks and set my mind on things above (Col 3:2).
I know this war is not over, but at least I have more weapons in my arsenal now.
I am currently studying Beth Moore's Esther with the girls in our small group. During my study this week, I came across a question that I thought was rather interesting. She asked, "What situation most recently tempted you toward mental torment?" I immediately began thinking of a flood of situations when my mind had been overwhelmed by incredibly negative thoughts in the past month or so. Some of them so often and so dark that I couldn't see past them. I was amazed by my response to this question. Beth Moore went on to say, "Because Satan has a limited leash where believers are concerned, his most powerful tactics are psychological. Though he can't possess our minds, he profoundly and destructively influences our thoughts."
She introduced me to a new level of warfare...the psychological kind.
I know this concept sounds so simple, but I cannot begin to describe the cloud that was lifted from my mind. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says to "take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ." This verse has a new depth of meaning for me now. I have struggled with depression for quite some time. I know that taking thoughts captive will not erase the depression, but the torment, that's a different story. As I began to make a list of the things that I had been thinking lately that I could categorize as "mental torment", the list was unbelievable. So many things on the list were things that I knew not to be true, but for whatever reason, lately I had been finding it hard to call them lies and truly believe that.
I Peter 5:8 says, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." When I reviewed this verse, I began thinking about the word devour. When I looked it up, part of the definition was "to consume destructively, recklessly, or wantonly" (dictionary.com). I think there are so many times that I go throughout my day unaware of the Satan's desire to destructively, recklessly destroy me in whatever way he can. As I looked at the beginning of the verse, I see that I have to be alert enough to recognize his psychological attacks and set my mind on things above (Col 3:2).
I know this war is not over, but at least I have more weapons in my arsenal now.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Where to Begin...
There are so many things swimming in my head lately that I'm not quite sure where to begin. There's so much pressure (whether real or perceived) to write something so profound. The truth is, I want to just write from my heart and share the honest thoughts I have that may not be what some people would view as "appropriate" for a person who is a worship leader and staff member at a large church. But, I am going to go with my gut and just put the real stuff on paper...after all, this wouldn't be an "authentic peek" if I didn't, would it?
We recently began a new worship service at our church. The service has been a total paradigm shift for those who are both serving in it and who are attending. I'm on staff at a large church whose worship style is pretty contemporary and incredibly vibrant. The service I am now helping to lead is a completely different experience. The service is completely non-directed--meaning those attending choose their own response and how they feel God leading them.
Through the process of designing these services and leading worship in them, I have been completely undone. I told a few friends recently that I needed to write a book called "The Faith Journey of a Type A Person". I'm one of those people who likes to know what is going on, where I am going, and just exactly how long it is going to take me to get there. God has been trying to save me from this mindset for quite some time now. Through several life circumstances and the many things He has allowed to flow my direction, one would think I would figured out by now that I'm not going to know all these things. No such luck.
This morning during our third service, I walked in the back by the tech booth and told one of my friends that I wanted to just quit. Of course, she told me that I couldn't do that until the service was over...I sat with my journal (fortunately for me the atmosphere lends itself to that) and as I wrote I realized several things. Here's an excerpt (unedited...):
"Jesus, forgive me for not coming to you about the important things. Forgive me for not laying all of this down at your feet. I am so sorry. Help me to truly be living in a place where I can hear you. This morning's worship seems so forced. Will you help me to not make excuses? Help me to seek you with all of my heart. Help me to move from doing--from tasks and trying to make things work to truly relying on You. I know that I cannot do this on my own. I don't want to....You know how discouraged I am this morning and that I need to rest in You. Why is this so hard? Jesus, please help me to seek you and your guidance. You ARE more than enough."
When we had our inaugural service in August only 6 weeks ago, there had been countless hours of prayer and listening to the small still voice of God prior to entering into any rehearsals or the service for the morning. There hasn't been a service quite like it since. I'm one of those people who thinks that I can do it all on my own. Why do I think that way? John 15:5 says, "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." No kidding! I am finding more and more that regardless of how much I try, if I don't seek God fervently, everyone feels it.
I really don't need to quit. I just need to quit trying to do things on my own. I need to go back to the place before the first service began and say to God, "I don't know where you are planning to take me, but I'm in for the ride. Show me where the next step is....Not the next several, but the next step." Sometimes that's all He decides to give. And that's o.k.
We recently began a new worship service at our church. The service has been a total paradigm shift for those who are both serving in it and who are attending. I'm on staff at a large church whose worship style is pretty contemporary and incredibly vibrant. The service I am now helping to lead is a completely different experience. The service is completely non-directed--meaning those attending choose their own response and how they feel God leading them.
Through the process of designing these services and leading worship in them, I have been completely undone. I told a few friends recently that I needed to write a book called "The Faith Journey of a Type A Person". I'm one of those people who likes to know what is going on, where I am going, and just exactly how long it is going to take me to get there. God has been trying to save me from this mindset for quite some time now. Through several life circumstances and the many things He has allowed to flow my direction, one would think I would figured out by now that I'm not going to know all these things. No such luck.
This morning during our third service, I walked in the back by the tech booth and told one of my friends that I wanted to just quit. Of course, she told me that I couldn't do that until the service was over...I sat with my journal (fortunately for me the atmosphere lends itself to that) and as I wrote I realized several things. Here's an excerpt (unedited...):
"Jesus, forgive me for not coming to you about the important things. Forgive me for not laying all of this down at your feet. I am so sorry. Help me to truly be living in a place where I can hear you. This morning's worship seems so forced. Will you help me to not make excuses? Help me to seek you with all of my heart. Help me to move from doing--from tasks and trying to make things work to truly relying on You. I know that I cannot do this on my own. I don't want to....You know how discouraged I am this morning and that I need to rest in You. Why is this so hard? Jesus, please help me to seek you and your guidance. You ARE more than enough."
When we had our inaugural service in August only 6 weeks ago, there had been countless hours of prayer and listening to the small still voice of God prior to entering into any rehearsals or the service for the morning. There hasn't been a service quite like it since. I'm one of those people who thinks that I can do it all on my own. Why do I think that way? John 15:5 says, "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." No kidding! I am finding more and more that regardless of how much I try, if I don't seek God fervently, everyone feels it.
I really don't need to quit. I just need to quit trying to do things on my own. I need to go back to the place before the first service began and say to God, "I don't know where you are planning to take me, but I'm in for the ride. Show me where the next step is....Not the next several, but the next step." Sometimes that's all He decides to give. And that's o.k.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Something to Say
So, welcome to my first post at life.worship.art. Last year I attempted to start a blog, which much to my dismay was a disappointment. This was mostly due to the fact that I just didn't write. I have some newly found blogging accountability (thanks, R2!) and I have a list of topics so long that I know that I need to begin writing...now.
I'm a huge advocate for only speaking if you really have something to say. So, here's my attempt at saying something that's worth taking the time to read.
I'm a huge advocate for only speaking if you really have something to say. So, here's my attempt at saying something that's worth taking the time to read.
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