There are so many things swimming in my head lately that I'm not quite sure where to begin. There's so much pressure (whether real or perceived) to write something so profound. The truth is, I want to just write from my heart and share the honest thoughts I have that may not be what some people would view as "appropriate" for a person who is a worship leader and staff member at a large church. But, I am going to go with my gut and just put the real stuff on paper...after all, this wouldn't be an "authentic peek" if I didn't, would it?
We recently began a new worship service at our church. The service has been a total paradigm shift for those who are both serving in it and who are attending. I'm on staff at a large church whose worship style is pretty contemporary and incredibly vibrant. The service I am now helping to lead is a completely different experience. The service is completely non-directed--meaning those attending choose their own response and how they feel God leading them.
Through the process of designing these services and leading worship in them, I have been completely undone. I told a few friends recently that I needed to write a book called "The Faith Journey of a Type A Person". I'm one of those people who likes to know what is going on, where I am going, and just exactly how long it is going to take me to get there. God has been trying to save me from this mindset for quite some time now. Through several life circumstances and the many things He has allowed to flow my direction, one would think I would figured out by now that I'm not going to know all these things. No such luck.
This morning during our third service, I walked in the back by the tech booth and told one of my friends that I wanted to just quit. Of course, she told me that I couldn't do that until the service was over...I sat with my journal (fortunately for me the atmosphere lends itself to that) and as I wrote I realized several things. Here's an excerpt (unedited...):
"Jesus, forgive me for not coming to you about the important things. Forgive me for not laying all of this down at your feet. I am so sorry. Help me to truly be living in a place where I can hear you. This morning's worship seems so forced. Will you help me to not make excuses? Help me to seek you with all of my heart. Help me to move from doing--from tasks and trying to make things work to truly relying on You. I know that I cannot do this on my own. I don't want to....You know how discouraged I am this morning and that I need to rest in You. Why is this so hard? Jesus, please help me to seek you and your guidance. You ARE more than enough."
When we had our inaugural service in August only 6 weeks ago, there had been countless hours of prayer and listening to the small still voice of God prior to entering into any rehearsals or the service for the morning. There hasn't been a service quite like it since. I'm one of those people who thinks that I can do it all on my own. Why do I think that way? John 15:5 says, "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." No kidding! I am finding more and more that regardless of how much I try, if I don't seek God fervently, everyone feels it.
I really don't need to quit. I just need to quit trying to do things on my own. I need to go back to the place before the first service began and say to God, "I don't know where you are planning to take me, but I'm in for the ride. Show me where the next step is....Not the next several, but the next step." Sometimes that's all He decides to give. And that's o.k.
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3 comments:
Reading this reminded me of one Sunday a few months ago. Just as we were getting ready to go on stage, you disappeared into the other room and prayed face down before God that He would move, because you knew without a doubt that you could do nothing on your own to move people to worship. I hope you remember how that day turned out. :)
His strength is made PERFECT in our weakness. Like you, I have to be reminded OVER and OVER again to stop trying to do things in my own wisdom and strength. Going through the motions isn't just sinful, it's also pretty ridiculous. In a way, it's safer to be in the situations where we can't see the next step, because we pretty much HAVE to rely on God...and things seem to work out so much better that way, don't they?
Many things crossed my mind as I read this. Which is impressive, because few things cross my mind in a given day. ;)
First, even if you feel a worship is forced, the people in the seats don't always feel the same way. There have been times where B and I have attended the same service, sitting right next to each other, and one of us was moved and one wasn't, or one felt or heard something the other didn't. The 200 people there are going to come away with 200 different feelings about the service. So even if you're not feeling 100% about the day, trust that God is moving through us anyway.
Secondly, you are not alone in this. You have a fairly large group of people who are willing to help you do ANYTHING if you just name the time and place. Even if all the help you need is for us to pray for you that morning, send a text or e-mail to your posse and we'll get on it. You can't do everything. And if you don't say something, we can't do anything. Therein lies the problem. :)
And the first service was very exciting, but some of it could have come from the fact that we didn't know what was going to happen or who was going to show up (if ANYONE was going to show up) or what people would think. Just because you don't have the anticipation that brought doesn't mean things are crashing and burning. But if there's a facet of that first service that is sticking out in your mind as something that could be in all these services, it's fixable. Trace it and ask for help! It's not all on you! Gary will even tell you that whole main service isn't on him, but you sure take the burden of this one. Share it, sister!
So,I'm up at 3 am for my son, and I came across your blog through Facebook. Your words were a blessing to me...all glory to God! I am a control FREAK, and I struggle with "mental torment" daily with raising a little one. He is not always predictable. Slowly I am being molded into His likeness in this area, and I am encouraged by the scripture you shared...thank you!
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